I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
