Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
21 Rideshare Drivers Had to Drive These NSFW Passengers
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...