This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize
