So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
