Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize
