I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
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