My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
