The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
Randomize
