I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Randomize
