I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
