I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
