Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
