I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
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