My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
