everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
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