Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Randomize
