lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
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