When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
Randomize
