I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Randomize
