Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
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