i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
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