So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Randomize
