I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
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