If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Randomize
