I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
