if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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