five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
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