i barfeds in our rink
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
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