You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
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