Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
Randomize
