Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
She told me I should be a condom model.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Randomize
