I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
