yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Life without a bra equals bliss.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Randomize
