I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Randomize
