The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
