im six kinds of drunk right now
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
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