made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
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