There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Randomize
