I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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