i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Randomize
