2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
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