I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
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