I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
