just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
