So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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