she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
worst night to have a conscience
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Randomize
