Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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