I can't watch pbs sober anymore
haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
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