I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
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