Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Randomize
