it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
