I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Randomize
