you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
