it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I FOUND THE LEGS
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
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