someone get that fucking seahorse.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
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