Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
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