I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
Randomize
