Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
