Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
You need a sexual gate keeper
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
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