So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
