Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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