Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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