I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
