I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
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