I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
you guys were way drunker than both of me
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
