he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
